Silly Dinner and Dance - Discovering myself

I've been to 2 dinners recently, both of which i felt awkward to attend. But there's one which turned out pretty ok.

That was my company's dinner and dance. It was on 2nd Dec Saturday. I made myself a costume to wear. It was Mike Warzowski from Monster Incorporated. (you know, the side kick - one eyed green monster that snatches children's candies?) I wonder if it's because I refuse to be self-conscious to dress up so that i can be glamarous-but-meaningless for the dinner. So i did the exact opposite. Instead of dressing up like going for the movie awards, I dressed like a fool, so that I can be like a fool and couldn't care less about how I look. Lest I fall into this self contempt of feeling less-prettier-and-less-gracious-than-others. (OK i admit i put on make-up - but that's because I have to attend a wedding in the afternoon. I couldn't go like some sloppy ghost isn't it, it's broad daylight!)



Actually even that day i still battle with it because I *gasp* to see the beautiful dress i wished i had on another colleague's body-perfect body, wear killer heels (which I think I'd fall flat on my nose or get nasty blisters and aches), perfectly powdered and flawless face... I looked at myself and thought I'm gonna be that ugly green toad (ok, monster) ... *moody again*

Somehow after the entire thingy, it worked. I came out not feeling exactly great, because I thought I was over-silly and placed myself in the lime-light. Lots of self-doubts which was weimin constantly re-assured me. (thank God for him) I suppose the fear of feeling lousy is more than that of feeling silly being in the lime-light. Hence I chose not to be in the league of the girls although i very much wanted to be one of them - pretty, gorgious, friendly, smiley, admired....bla bla.

But some days later, I thought I did the right thing... Weimin enjoyed himself, I won a $100 cash prize (consolation - damn that dancing gladiator or I would have made a 10x profit).




I'm always different, always odd, always unable to stream myself to the mainstream. I find myself enjoying being silly, being odd, being different. Here you are, it's me, still in the process of discovering myself, although I know I'm way too old to be a teenager.

Instead of being conscious of eating graciously and behaving like a lady-of-etiquette, i decided that food is too delicious to refuse and so I ate to my heart's content. It's free anyway. Who cares about being pretty, slim and gracious? Why this ugly-duckling sydrome? Oh what the heck, just eat, drink and be merry!!!