Monday, April 30, 2007
Exasperated
We're on emotional roller coaster the past few days...One moment lovey dovey, the other moment gnashing of teeth; anger mixed with frustrations. Perhaps we're so sensitive about the other's comments and words. Weimin gets angry with me easily. The words I say makes him very worked up. Did I say it repeatedly? I don't realize. Perhaps I'm better off keeping quiet as i used to. Shut up and just try to be happy and contented. He's frustrated too, why he makes such great effort trying to listen to me but yet i'm never happy with him. Beats me. Well, the most important things, if he has done that 20 percent, perhaps will make me 80 percent happy. Perhaps he need only spend that 20 percent effort, to reap that 80 percent results. I don't know. Hmmm...I need him to show me that he is interested. Perhaps not really about the schedule, but i really do feel down, regarding the wedding...everytime i try to make some plans and show to him, he will shut me off, saying that it is too far, don't plan so much...but i can't help it, it gives me security, a gesture to say that he loves me and he truly wants to have a future with me. Sometimes, it seems bleak to me, sometimes it seems bright...why am i so unhappy about not keeping up with the schedule? Maybe it really is a small issue. But i don't know why, just like i really hate to be late...i remember i kicked up such big fuss, for being late for MPW, for being late for church (to my brother), certain things, it just mean very much to me. Maybe because if feel very very tired trying to keep up with all the arrangements, i don't want things to be last minute and sloppy. He is very unhappy with me, well, i guess, i'm just not very good and understanding and loving, not a good wife sort. I know it. He thinks i'm hard to please...and naggy, and not understanding...Don't care about his stress, just want to drive him up the wall, just want to make him crazy... That i don't really love him...i don't know...i feel lousy...I don't know how to love him as well...I can't, maybe i'm not the wife sort. God, i don't feel like getting married again, it feels terrible to me. =*( How can i be a virtuous wife? I don't appear to be like that one that Psalm 31 describes. I'm emotionally needy, high maintenance in terms of energy and resources, definately not the most efficient energy consumption type. We had so much to iron out, maybe we had experienced this long time already... so now it is the breaking point...
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Each One should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him (1 Cor 7:20)
Circumcision is nothing an uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God's commands is what counts. (1 Cor 7:19)
In the same way, I want to trust God that whether He called me to married or not, I will not be troubled by it. Paul writes about his views regarding marriage in 1 Cor 7. It brings me comfort, knowing that God has called me, according to His good purpose...For myself, for Him, for everyone else. I should be at peace.
Tonight, I am going to meet weimin for dinner. He will tell me of his decision whether we'd marry or not, whether we'd continue the relationship or not, whether we'd delay the wedding ceremony? Of course, it made me extremely nervous as he made up his mind in 3 days instead of 5 weeks. Did he really spent the time to think through, to seek God, and did God speak to him clearly, did he verify whether he heard God correctly? Or perhaps God spoke so loudly he was so confident about it? I'm very afraid he'd tell me that, don't worry I still love you, but I won't marry you...
Even myself dare not think so much, even if i have this vague impression that we'd be back again. But due to my disobedience, I wonder if God will chose another method to teach me and mould me, to fulfill His purpose and will in my life? I remember how I met weimin, how I know it would be him...But perhaps at that time, I knew I should have waited. And how we'd sinned, right from the beginning...Whomever God loves, He chastens. I knew in my heart, someone, God will shake us up. Perhaps this is it. A wake up call, a jolt to bring us back to the narrow path again. How easy it is to stray!
I am fasting today for lunch today. I know that I need to. I will repent and bring my sins to God...I pray very hard that God forgive me, and restore me. That God will not cast me from His presence, or take His Holy Spirit away from me, even if I had grieved Him so many times... God will save me from my guilt, my sins, my transgressions, my iniquities... This is the second time! It is a repeated sin, how terrible it is... How much I have to fall to learn not to walk through the path of thorns?
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart God will not despise. He desires mercy and not sacrifices, obedience, rather than burnt offerings.
God, I am wrong. I know I have been deviant, rebellious and sinful...I have become the prostitute that the prophet Jeremiah has said. Time and again, I have failed God and forsaken Him...I so stubborn and stiff necked, worse than a mule... But God I am wrong...Against You I have sinned O Lord!
Even if God has given me the gift, to marry, I ought to be live as if I had no husband (1 Cor 7:29) because time is short... See how my uncle left this world. I wonder, if I will be able to bring the gospel to my own parents. He is a good man, I do not want to see him eternally suffering in hell...
God, save me, save my family! Save Weimin, and his family too!
In the same way, I want to trust God that whether He called me to married or not, I will not be troubled by it. Paul writes about his views regarding marriage in 1 Cor 7. It brings me comfort, knowing that God has called me, according to His good purpose...For myself, for Him, for everyone else. I should be at peace.
Tonight, I am going to meet weimin for dinner. He will tell me of his decision whether we'd marry or not, whether we'd continue the relationship or not, whether we'd delay the wedding ceremony? Of course, it made me extremely nervous as he made up his mind in 3 days instead of 5 weeks. Did he really spent the time to think through, to seek God, and did God speak to him clearly, did he verify whether he heard God correctly? Or perhaps God spoke so loudly he was so confident about it? I'm very afraid he'd tell me that, don't worry I still love you, but I won't marry you...
Even myself dare not think so much, even if i have this vague impression that we'd be back again. But due to my disobedience, I wonder if God will chose another method to teach me and mould me, to fulfill His purpose and will in my life? I remember how I met weimin, how I know it would be him...But perhaps at that time, I knew I should have waited. And how we'd sinned, right from the beginning...Whomever God loves, He chastens. I knew in my heart, someone, God will shake us up. Perhaps this is it. A wake up call, a jolt to bring us back to the narrow path again. How easy it is to stray!
I am fasting today for lunch today. I know that I need to. I will repent and bring my sins to God...I pray very hard that God forgive me, and restore me. That God will not cast me from His presence, or take His Holy Spirit away from me, even if I had grieved Him so many times... God will save me from my guilt, my sins, my transgressions, my iniquities... This is the second time! It is a repeated sin, how terrible it is... How much I have to fall to learn not to walk through the path of thorns?
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart God will not despise. He desires mercy and not sacrifices, obedience, rather than burnt offerings.
God, I am wrong. I know I have been deviant, rebellious and sinful...I have become the prostitute that the prophet Jeremiah has said. Time and again, I have failed God and forsaken Him...I so stubborn and stiff necked, worse than a mule... But God I am wrong...Against You I have sinned O Lord!
Even if God has given me the gift, to marry, I ought to be live as if I had no husband (1 Cor 7:29) because time is short... See how my uncle left this world. I wonder, if I will be able to bring the gospel to my own parents. He is a good man, I do not want to see him eternally suffering in hell...
God, save me, save my family! Save Weimin, and his family too!
Monday, April 23, 2007
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. Jn 10:10
God gives me an abundant life. I need to trust Him for that.
We went for counselling together on saturday 21 Apr. We treshed out some issues like confiding in opposite sex, my need for leadership and all that. He still felt that I have no excuses. There is no point to say who's right who's wrong. I am wrong in what I have done, given the circumstances. I made wrong decisions and I behaved in a abhorrent manner.
We went for lunch and a movie after the counselling session. On the bus, Weimin told me that everything is called off, until 5 weeks later. But he wants to hold my hand. I don't know what to think. I missed the feeling of intimacy. But I don't want to feel that way, because feelings are false.
When I met him yesterday, he is still very suspicious of me. He needs to verify things with May. I'm not quite sure how to feel. Yet he kissed me and touched me. I'm very confused. I told all these to May.
I also told her that after that day i've chatted, we had slept together. That was why he was upset. He was angry, that i am unfaithful. I know that I have done him wrong. He was angry, that the way i requested money from him is an insult to him. He was angry, i ran away to work. He was angry, as I have said I wanted to marry and yet maintain my affair with the guy.
Sometimes, he'd say things that seem to be spiting me or what. When I sulked, he would say sorry. Suddenly, he seemed so loving. Then after a while, suddenly, he seems so stern towards me. Almost like punishing me and wanting to torment me by hiding his plans from me. A revenge? To get back at me? To punish me? To make sure I learn my lesson? I don't know. He makes me so nervous as well.
My heart is so mixed up. At the end of yesterday, he said, take the 5 weeks as a time to go back to God. But before that, he wasn't so kind. I'm not quite sure what he wants, what he's planning, and it is almost driving me mad.
In my heart, i'm preparing myself, to be ditched. Perhaps, i will need to learn to ignore what the others will think of me. But still, every time I think about it, how I will face the others, it makes me very tense. That, of course, I couldn't care much. At most, I shall be thick-skinned, unless the church will kick me out. But then, the main thing that really makes me feel very tormented, is that he is going to leave me, just like that...Yes, perhaps I have done a horrible sin, I have done a horrible wrong towards him. But he will forgive me, and then ditch me, because I am no longer trustable. I can no longer be his wife. Whatever happened, to the times, he said, i am already his wife, and he took my body? Not that I can care, but it hurts me deeply. So it means that when he wants me, he said I'm his wife. And when I'm wrong, he is no longer bound and he can "divorce" me?
He said, he wants to tell the counsellor everything. I said it is ok, if it will help him clear himself up. If it will help him to overcome and let go. But there is also another serious implication. The counsellor, may have to inform the church or pastor. And it may lead to being denied, or kicked out by the church. I'm not sure if it will happen. But fornication, is a serious sin. It is not to be condoned, as what the bible says.
Not that I care very much either, about how I will be percieved by others...At most, i have to become thick-skinned...But, I wonder if he forgot, how I went through the times, when I am afraid I'd be pregnant...Has anyone been any comfort to me? Yes, of course it is a relief that i'm not, but when I do get pregnant, I know, that he is not obliged to take responsibility. But what will happen to me? I am going to face all such things alone. How empty, how lonely, how depressed was I during that time. I had to buy a kit, but i was afraid... How cold and harsh it seems to me, if ever such will happen. He can say that he will take responsibility. But who knows.
Indeed, as May has said..He wants it, that's why he can say that it is not the wedding day, and that he already regarded me as his wife. But now I have done something wrong. His "regard" is missing now. Anyway, for the baby, being pressured, he will take responsibility. But for life, he will probably hate me or blame me for shaming him.
I have learnt the hard way, the even the best intending guy, who initially really really wanted to love me the best he can, would succumb to pressure, and act another way as he has promised. No man can be trusted, because all man are weak. Not that he does not want to, but he is not able to. Anyone can promise, and give me much hope. But when reality sets in, it may not be this way anymore.
Who can I trust then? My maker, who has also redeemed me with His only beloved Son's life. Have I got abundant life? i'm not sure. So far, it has been interesting, heart-wrenching, full of ups and downs... I really have a long way to go for having the abundant life, that God has promised me. God I trust you, I will face all the consequences, with your help. Although I tell others that I can be okay without him, but there are times, like just now, whether I can pull through. But seemed to be getting by, at times, feeling strong, yet at times, i feel so weak and desperate... My mind has to keep on reminding my heart, that I am okay. I can say that confidently to May and Jasmine. I am okay, without weimin. Perhaps, i will have more difficulties. Perhaps, I will feel more helpless, but I will get by, I will just take a bit more effort, a bit more sufferring, a much longer time. But I will get by.
Jasmine asks me not to be too strong. Guys doesn't like that. But i am not sure if i really am strong, or is it because I am left with no other choice. Even Weimin says i'm very resilient. I can move on quickly. Perhaps I appear to be able to. But only God knows, the sufferings and the struggles in my heart.
We went for counselling together on saturday 21 Apr. We treshed out some issues like confiding in opposite sex, my need for leadership and all that. He still felt that I have no excuses. There is no point to say who's right who's wrong. I am wrong in what I have done, given the circumstances. I made wrong decisions and I behaved in a abhorrent manner.
We went for lunch and a movie after the counselling session. On the bus, Weimin told me that everything is called off, until 5 weeks later. But he wants to hold my hand. I don't know what to think. I missed the feeling of intimacy. But I don't want to feel that way, because feelings are false.
When I met him yesterday, he is still very suspicious of me. He needs to verify things with May. I'm not quite sure how to feel. Yet he kissed me and touched me. I'm very confused. I told all these to May.
I also told her that after that day i've chatted, we had slept together. That was why he was upset. He was angry, that i am unfaithful. I know that I have done him wrong. He was angry, that the way i requested money from him is an insult to him. He was angry, i ran away to work. He was angry, as I have said I wanted to marry and yet maintain my affair with the guy.
Sometimes, he'd say things that seem to be spiting me or what. When I sulked, he would say sorry. Suddenly, he seemed so loving. Then after a while, suddenly, he seems so stern towards me. Almost like punishing me and wanting to torment me by hiding his plans from me. A revenge? To get back at me? To punish me? To make sure I learn my lesson? I don't know. He makes me so nervous as well.
My heart is so mixed up. At the end of yesterday, he said, take the 5 weeks as a time to go back to God. But before that, he wasn't so kind. I'm not quite sure what he wants, what he's planning, and it is almost driving me mad.
In my heart, i'm preparing myself, to be ditched. Perhaps, i will need to learn to ignore what the others will think of me. But still, every time I think about it, how I will face the others, it makes me very tense. That, of course, I couldn't care much. At most, I shall be thick-skinned, unless the church will kick me out. But then, the main thing that really makes me feel very tormented, is that he is going to leave me, just like that...Yes, perhaps I have done a horrible sin, I have done a horrible wrong towards him. But he will forgive me, and then ditch me, because I am no longer trustable. I can no longer be his wife. Whatever happened, to the times, he said, i am already his wife, and he took my body? Not that I can care, but it hurts me deeply. So it means that when he wants me, he said I'm his wife. And when I'm wrong, he is no longer bound and he can "divorce" me?
He said, he wants to tell the counsellor everything. I said it is ok, if it will help him clear himself up. If it will help him to overcome and let go. But there is also another serious implication. The counsellor, may have to inform the church or pastor. And it may lead to being denied, or kicked out by the church. I'm not sure if it will happen. But fornication, is a serious sin. It is not to be condoned, as what the bible says.
Not that I care very much either, about how I will be percieved by others...At most, i have to become thick-skinned...But, I wonder if he forgot, how I went through the times, when I am afraid I'd be pregnant...Has anyone been any comfort to me? Yes, of course it is a relief that i'm not, but when I do get pregnant, I know, that he is not obliged to take responsibility. But what will happen to me? I am going to face all such things alone. How empty, how lonely, how depressed was I during that time. I had to buy a kit, but i was afraid... How cold and harsh it seems to me, if ever such will happen. He can say that he will take responsibility. But who knows.
Indeed, as May has said..He wants it, that's why he can say that it is not the wedding day, and that he already regarded me as his wife. But now I have done something wrong. His "regard" is missing now. Anyway, for the baby, being pressured, he will take responsibility. But for life, he will probably hate me or blame me for shaming him.
I have learnt the hard way, the even the best intending guy, who initially really really wanted to love me the best he can, would succumb to pressure, and act another way as he has promised. No man can be trusted, because all man are weak. Not that he does not want to, but he is not able to. Anyone can promise, and give me much hope. But when reality sets in, it may not be this way anymore.
Who can I trust then? My maker, who has also redeemed me with His only beloved Son's life. Have I got abundant life? i'm not sure. So far, it has been interesting, heart-wrenching, full of ups and downs... I really have a long way to go for having the abundant life, that God has promised me. God I trust you, I will face all the consequences, with your help. Although I tell others that I can be okay without him, but there are times, like just now, whether I can pull through. But seemed to be getting by, at times, feeling strong, yet at times, i feel so weak and desperate... My mind has to keep on reminding my heart, that I am okay. I can say that confidently to May and Jasmine. I am okay, without weimin. Perhaps, i will have more difficulties. Perhaps, I will feel more helpless, but I will get by, I will just take a bit more effort, a bit more sufferring, a much longer time. But I will get by.
Jasmine asks me not to be too strong. Guys doesn't like that. But i am not sure if i really am strong, or is it because I am left with no other choice. Even Weimin says i'm very resilient. I can move on quickly. Perhaps I appear to be able to. But only God knows, the sufferings and the struggles in my heart.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
The Wise and Foolish Builders
Matthew 7:24-27
24"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.
26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."
I am the foolish man who built his house on the sand. It fell in a crash in 1 month. 2 weeks, to be exact.
I met Weimin yesterday for dinner. I'm suprised he agreed to have dinner with me, and afterward we took a walk/sit in the Pasir Ris Town Park. He told me about how he used to enjoy fishing during his army days.We later spoke about more sensitive things. He said he is still angry with me. Means he has not forgiven me. He said he is angry with me mainly, for running away. And running away because I am going to work. He said it pissed him off greatly. I cared more about my job, my career, than our relationship. To him, work gives me more satisfaction. And I felt more duty and responsibility towards my job than towards him. He asked what is my priority in life? I said, God, Us, Work, Parents, Brothers, Friends. He said that we have different values. Work to him is fourth or fifth.
Throughout the conversation, I felt rather condemned. But less so than the other day he confronted me. Yes I am guilty, I am conscience-striken, I am unfaithful, hideous, irresponsible, selfish...I am all that characterizes a harlot. I am all that characterizes an unrighteous, sinful and damned person. I am interrogated and questioned about my actions...
I admit I have been wrong. I was at fault and I let him down. I do not deserve any forgiveness nor chance. But I guess, we will not make up with him having such attitude towards me. I will never be good enough. I will not have a place anymore in his heart as a wife. I will be shut out, I will be excluded, ousted and like a fugitive. I am not a wife. I am a suspect.
I cannot explain my behavior, actions and thoughts. They are not rational. They are rash, foolish and incoherent. I acted out of confusion, guilt. My actions are bizarre and self-contradicting.
I am not expecting anything. I am not hoping. My heart is cold. Although I still feel very much for him. I guess, my attitude is rather synical towards relationships. Anyway, despite all these, I never ever intended to take any of his money he trusted me on. Never ever intended or even tried, to take advantage of his generosity to me. Of this, I am sure.
Well, everyone tells me now it has to be me "wooing" him. Yes I should. I don't really know how. And I feel rather mixed and struggle in my heart. He said he'd want to be with me only if i know what is the real meaning of love and marriage and if I forgive. I guess I will never learn it. Perhaps sometimes I can, but all the time I will have to struggle about it.
I will never never be good enough for him. I will not be the pious and religious girl he thought he wanted to marry. I may try. In fact, I do try very hard. But it may not be me. I am mixed. Thinking of these, i feel like giving up. What is love. How do I love? How can i learn it or know it? He will always think I fail his criteria. I don't measure up. Thus it kills my motivation to please him...Will he be happy? What can I do? He doesn't want flowers. I suppose he threw it away. What abt the card I made for him, did he cherish it or like it? Perhaps he cannot remember where it is put. Should I buy a ring to propose to him to show my sincerity? He thinks it is a laughable thing. Can I give all my money to him? Will he even care? Can I date him, buy him presents, or quit my job since he felt I have the wrong priorities? What can I do to show that I truly love him and am committed to him?
I felt cold, when I think that perhaps, none will be reciprocated or appreciated. It is only foolishness on my part. Just like when I stayed up late to wait for someone, who never bothers to buy credit to go online to speak to me. Or felt money is so important he didn't want to spend money to call me. God help me on this. ..
Monday, April 16, 2007
A New Beginning
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature, the old things has passed away, behold, the new thing has come." 2 Cor 5:17
Over the weekend, several things were accomplished. I've generally felt better about everything but I know I still need to work on myself.
Friday - Change Hairstyle
I had went to perm my hair. A change, a new start.
Saturday - Confessions/Move Hse
After work I met weimin at pasir ris town park about 1pm. I confessed and I asked for forgiveness. He has not much reactions or whatever. All he said was why he had chosen me at first even if i had failed his criteria. It is because God told him so. Did he hear wrongly (as I have, too?) Or is it really that God told him so? If so, why does such thing happen? And of all people, I was the one who sinned and hurt another?
I went to his place after that and tried to move as much things as I can. I felt I cannot bear to stay a moment longer, neither do I want to bother him too many times. I know I cannot move all at once. I threw away many things, things I won't really need. My baby doll dresses, that I bought so that I can wear if ever I be pregnant. I don't need them anymore. My sheer night dresses, I don't need them anymore. Pretty clothes and dresses, if too revealing, I don't need them anymore. My heart aches, I am actually very sorry and ashamed. I don't expect anyone to forgive me. Not his mom, not him. Halfway I got a bit emotional. I don't know why such reactions on my part. But I know I cannot stay at his home anymore. Not that my mother allows it. It is right for me to move out. It hurts everyone. The actions and the attitude towards me being in the house is unbearable. How can I ever be ok to stay? I have betrayed his trust, and his mom's. I won't be able to stay in it. It is not my home. Even if he said it is. It has never been truly my home. My home depends on his attitude and trust and love towards me. Now I have none, thus i lost it. And I have to leave. I can't stay. It don't belong to me.
I don't want to owe him anything. I know, especially he is senstive about money. I will not owe him anything. I promise to return all. This is all I can do. I am sorry. I don't want him to help, because I deserve to suffer for my mistakes. I don't want him to pity me. I am alright on my own, whether or not I have him. I have God, and His grace is sufficient for me. I don't know how I had the strength, but I did. I don't know how I could go through, but I did. I don't know how I overcome, but I did. I don't know how I could have survived, but God has prepared a place for me to rest my exhausted body, a room mate so understanding and supportive. It must have been His grace for me.
Even in times like this...I don't know why he is still so kind to me. He was nice...I felt worse. I couldn't bear it. I especially don't want him to pity me. I don't want to appear needy or helpless or pitiful. But he said I shouldn't disgrace him with such words. But I really don't mean to disgrace him. I mean it in my heart that I don't want any pity or sympathy. I can manage my own, I will. Maybe the hip pain came back because of this. But I couldn't care anymore.
At night, May came over to keep me company. Sally comforted me with her sms. I appreciate all the friendship and support. But I have only myself to blame. It is good. I do have some friends. I do have people who'd still accept me. I realised, that day when I ran away, I have no social safety net. My net is weimin. And it broke. I have no one else to turn to. Whether for practical help or emotional or financial. I have no one to turn to besides God. How pathetic. How desperate!
I don't know why I ran away. I guess i wanted to escape from the hurting feelings. I was ashamed. I know I am no longer trusted as a family member. I cannot stay. I want to go home to see my mom. I wanted to find my refuge. I admit it was rash of me...but it has been done...There's no turning back...
Sunday - church, sunday school, shopping
My back aches very much from saturday's moving. I hauled heavy stuff. My body had tremendous strength since I am so tense from all the happenings. I haven't eaten well since tue. I am now 39kg. I tried to fast on friday but I thought I would faint. So i drank some soup. I was so hungry I scalded my tongue.
Went to john's church for service and sunday school. It went okay. But my back aches, I cannot bear to sit anymore. I went to find some cupboards at greatworld. It wasn't too good. Didn't buy. Adeline suggests i go to seahorse at compass pt. Jasmine and I found a 3 door cupboard at $199. We promised to share. Jasmine needs me as well. God sent me to her. We can help each other out.
About dinner time, weimin and I exchanged several msg. I teared and felt very sorrowful. But God helped me and comforted me. I have Jasmine with me. I think Weimin is the one that is suffering. He suffers more than me. He asked why I run away, and why i'm in such need to move my things out. Is it because I just to get on with my life? Or need them so much? I don't need them, but I have to consider my roomie. I told her I would get the basket, the mirror and stuff for her but I can't. I just couldn't carry anymore. Guess we should just buy it. I think perhaps I shouldn't ask anymore to take things from his home.
I have jasmine, so life is a bit more bearable. Yes I do want to live. I want to live because God has redeemed me for a price. John reminded me this. My life belongs to God. I should live it, and live it well, for His sake. For His name's sake and no one else. Just such divine appointment we discussed about 1 Pet. It gives me comfort.
God will work for the good of those who love Him. Even if the surroundings and situations are harsh to me, I can live on. Because I know I have God. He is all I need. His grace is sufficient for me. I felt so much better after the confession on saturday. John is right. How wonderful to have Godly friends. They give me Godly advice and gives me comfort. They show me God's love. Thank You, Lord. I want to start over again.
Over the weekend, several things were accomplished. I've generally felt better about everything but I know I still need to work on myself.
Friday - Change Hairstyle
I had went to perm my hair. A change, a new start.
Saturday - Confessions/Move Hse
After work I met weimin at pasir ris town park about 1pm. I confessed and I asked for forgiveness. He has not much reactions or whatever. All he said was why he had chosen me at first even if i had failed his criteria. It is because God told him so. Did he hear wrongly (as I have, too?) Or is it really that God told him so? If so, why does such thing happen? And of all people, I was the one who sinned and hurt another?
I went to his place after that and tried to move as much things as I can. I felt I cannot bear to stay a moment longer, neither do I want to bother him too many times. I know I cannot move all at once. I threw away many things, things I won't really need. My baby doll dresses, that I bought so that I can wear if ever I be pregnant. I don't need them anymore. My sheer night dresses, I don't need them anymore. Pretty clothes and dresses, if too revealing, I don't need them anymore. My heart aches, I am actually very sorry and ashamed. I don't expect anyone to forgive me. Not his mom, not him. Halfway I got a bit emotional. I don't know why such reactions on my part. But I know I cannot stay at his home anymore. Not that my mother allows it. It is right for me to move out. It hurts everyone. The actions and the attitude towards me being in the house is unbearable. How can I ever be ok to stay? I have betrayed his trust, and his mom's. I won't be able to stay in it. It is not my home. Even if he said it is. It has never been truly my home. My home depends on his attitude and trust and love towards me. Now I have none, thus i lost it. And I have to leave. I can't stay. It don't belong to me.
I don't want to owe him anything. I know, especially he is senstive about money. I will not owe him anything. I promise to return all. This is all I can do. I am sorry. I don't want him to help, because I deserve to suffer for my mistakes. I don't want him to pity me. I am alright on my own, whether or not I have him. I have God, and His grace is sufficient for me. I don't know how I had the strength, but I did. I don't know how I could go through, but I did. I don't know how I overcome, but I did. I don't know how I could have survived, but God has prepared a place for me to rest my exhausted body, a room mate so understanding and supportive. It must have been His grace for me.
Even in times like this...I don't know why he is still so kind to me. He was nice...I felt worse. I couldn't bear it. I especially don't want him to pity me. I don't want to appear needy or helpless or pitiful. But he said I shouldn't disgrace him with such words. But I really don't mean to disgrace him. I mean it in my heart that I don't want any pity or sympathy. I can manage my own, I will. Maybe the hip pain came back because of this. But I couldn't care anymore.
At night, May came over to keep me company. Sally comforted me with her sms. I appreciate all the friendship and support. But I have only myself to blame. It is good. I do have some friends. I do have people who'd still accept me. I realised, that day when I ran away, I have no social safety net. My net is weimin. And it broke. I have no one else to turn to. Whether for practical help or emotional or financial. I have no one to turn to besides God. How pathetic. How desperate!
I don't know why I ran away. I guess i wanted to escape from the hurting feelings. I was ashamed. I know I am no longer trusted as a family member. I cannot stay. I want to go home to see my mom. I wanted to find my refuge. I admit it was rash of me...but it has been done...There's no turning back...
Sunday - church, sunday school, shopping
My back aches very much from saturday's moving. I hauled heavy stuff. My body had tremendous strength since I am so tense from all the happenings. I haven't eaten well since tue. I am now 39kg. I tried to fast on friday but I thought I would faint. So i drank some soup. I was so hungry I scalded my tongue.
Went to john's church for service and sunday school. It went okay. But my back aches, I cannot bear to sit anymore. I went to find some cupboards at greatworld. It wasn't too good. Didn't buy. Adeline suggests i go to seahorse at compass pt. Jasmine and I found a 3 door cupboard at $199. We promised to share. Jasmine needs me as well. God sent me to her. We can help each other out.
About dinner time, weimin and I exchanged several msg. I teared and felt very sorrowful. But God helped me and comforted me. I have Jasmine with me. I think Weimin is the one that is suffering. He suffers more than me. He asked why I run away, and why i'm in such need to move my things out. Is it because I just to get on with my life? Or need them so much? I don't need them, but I have to consider my roomie. I told her I would get the basket, the mirror and stuff for her but I can't. I just couldn't carry anymore. Guess we should just buy it. I think perhaps I shouldn't ask anymore to take things from his home.
I have jasmine, so life is a bit more bearable. Yes I do want to live. I want to live because God has redeemed me for a price. John reminded me this. My life belongs to God. I should live it, and live it well, for His sake. For His name's sake and no one else. Just such divine appointment we discussed about 1 Pet. It gives me comfort.
God will work for the good of those who love Him. Even if the surroundings and situations are harsh to me, I can live on. Because I know I have God. He is all I need. His grace is sufficient for me. I felt so much better after the confession on saturday. John is right. How wonderful to have Godly friends. They give me Godly advice and gives me comfort. They show me God's love. Thank You, Lord. I want to start over again.
A New Beginning
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature, the old things has passed away, behold, the new thing has come." 2 Cor 5:17
Over the weekend, several things were accomplished. I've generally felt better about everything but I know I still need to work on myself.
Friday - Change Hairstyle
I had went to perm my hair. A change, a new start.
Saturday - Confessions/Move Hse
After work I met weimin at pasir ris town park about 1pm. I confessed and I asked for forgiveness. He has not much reactions or whatever. All he said was why he had chosen me at first even if i had failed his criteria. It is because God told him so. Did he hear wrongly (as I have, too?) Or is it really that God told him so? If so, why does such thing happen? And of all people, I was the one who sinned and hurt another?
I went to his place after that and tried to move as much things as I can. I felt I cannot bear to stay a moment longer, neither do I want to bother him too many times. I know I cannot move all at once. I threw away many things, things I won't really need. My baby doll dresses, that I bought so that I can wear if ever I be pregnant. I don't need them anymore. My sheer night dresses, I don't need them anymore. Pretty clothes and dresses, if too revealing, I don't need them anymore. My heart aches, I am actually very sorry and ashamed. I don't expect anyone to forgive me. Not his mom, not him. Halfway I got a bit emotional. I don't know why such reactions on my part. But I know I cannot stay at his home anymore. Not that my mother allows it. It is right for me to move out. It hurts everyone. The actions and the attitude towards me being in the house is unbearable. How can I ever be ok to stay? I have betrayed his trust, and his mom's. I won't be able to stay in it. It is not my home. Even if he said it is. It has never been truly my home. My home depends on his attitude and trust and love towards me. Now I have none, thus i lost it. And I have to leave. I can't stay. It don't belong to me.
I don't want to owe him anything. I know, especially he is senstive about money. I will not owe him anything. I promise to return all. This is all I can do. I am sorry. I don't want him to help, because I deserve to suffer for my mistakes. I don't want him to pity me. I am alright on my own, whether or not I have him. I have God, and His grace is sufficient for me. I don't know how I had the strength, but I did. I don't know how I could go through, but I did. I don't know how I overcome, but I did. I don't know how I could have survived, but God has prepared a place for me to rest my exhausted body, a room mate so understanding and supportive. It must have been His grace for me.
At night, May came over to keep me company. Sally comforted me with her sms. I appreciate all the friendship and support. But I have only myself to blame. It is good. I do have some friends. I do have people who'd still accept me. I realised, that day when I ran away, I have no social safety net. My net is weimin. And it has broke. I have no one else to turn to. Whether for practical help or emotional or financial. I have no one to turn to. How pathetic.
I don't know why I ran away. I guess i wanted to escape from the hurting feelings. I was ashamed. I know I am no longer trusted as a family member. I cannot stay. I want to go home to see my mom. I wanted to find my refuge. I admit it was rash of me...but it has been done...There's no turning back...
Sunday - church, sunday school, shopping
My back aches very much from saturday's moving. I hauled heavy stuff. My body had tremendous strength since I am so tense from all the happenings. I haven't eaten well since tue. I am now 39kg. I tried to fast on friday but I thought I would faint. So i drank some soup. I was so hungry I scalded my tongue.
Went to john's church for service and sunday school. It went okay. But my back aches, I cannot bear to sit anymore. I went to find some cupboards at greatworld. It wasn't too good. Didn't buy. Adeline suggests i go to seahorse at compass pt. Jasmine and I found a 3 door cupboard at $199. We promised to share.
About dinner time, weimin and I exchanged several msg. I teared and felt very sorrowful. But God helped me and comforted me. I have Jasmine with me. I think Weimin is the one that is suffering. He suffers more than me. He asked why I run away, and why i'm in such need to move my things out. Is it because I just to get on with my life? Or need them so much? I don't need them, but I have to consider my roomie. I told her I would get the basket, the mirror and stuff for her but I can't. I just couldn't carry anymore. Guess we should just buy it. I think perhaps I shouldn't ask anymore to take things from his home.
I have jasmine, so life is a bit more bearable. Yes I do want to live. I want to live because God has redeemed me for a price. John reminded me this. My life belongs to God. I should live it, and live it well, for His sake. For His name's sake and no one else. Just such divine appointment we discussed about 1 Pet. It gives me comfort.
God will work for the good of those who love Him. Even if the surroundings and situations are harsh to me, I can live on. Because I know I have God. He is all I need. His grace is sufficient for me. I felt so much better after the confession on saturday. John is right. How wonderful to have Godly friends. They give me Godly advice and gives me comfort. They show me God's love. Thank You, Lord. I want to start over again
Over the weekend, several things were accomplished. I've generally felt better about everything but I know I still need to work on myself.
Friday - Change Hairstyle
I had went to perm my hair. A change, a new start.
Saturday - Confessions/Move Hse
After work I met weimin at pasir ris town park about 1pm. I confessed and I asked for forgiveness. He has not much reactions or whatever. All he said was why he had chosen me at first even if i had failed his criteria. It is because God told him so. Did he hear wrongly (as I have, too?) Or is it really that God told him so? If so, why does such thing happen? And of all people, I was the one who sinned and hurt another?
I went to his place after that and tried to move as much things as I can. I felt I cannot bear to stay a moment longer, neither do I want to bother him too many times. I know I cannot move all at once. I threw away many things, things I won't really need. My baby doll dresses, that I bought so that I can wear if ever I be pregnant. I don't need them anymore. My sheer night dresses, I don't need them anymore. Pretty clothes and dresses, if too revealing, I don't need them anymore. My heart aches, I am actually very sorry and ashamed. I don't expect anyone to forgive me. Not his mom, not him. Halfway I got a bit emotional. I don't know why such reactions on my part. But I know I cannot stay at his home anymore. Not that my mother allows it. It is right for me to move out. It hurts everyone. The actions and the attitude towards me being in the house is unbearable. How can I ever be ok to stay? I have betrayed his trust, and his mom's. I won't be able to stay in it. It is not my home. Even if he said it is. It has never been truly my home. My home depends on his attitude and trust and love towards me. Now I have none, thus i lost it. And I have to leave. I can't stay. It don't belong to me.
I don't want to owe him anything. I know, especially he is senstive about money. I will not owe him anything. I promise to return all. This is all I can do. I am sorry. I don't want him to help, because I deserve to suffer for my mistakes. I don't want him to pity me. I am alright on my own, whether or not I have him. I have God, and His grace is sufficient for me. I don't know how I had the strength, but I did. I don't know how I could go through, but I did. I don't know how I overcome, but I did. I don't know how I could have survived, but God has prepared a place for me to rest my exhausted body, a room mate so understanding and supportive. It must have been His grace for me.
At night, May came over to keep me company. Sally comforted me with her sms. I appreciate all the friendship and support. But I have only myself to blame. It is good. I do have some friends. I do have people who'd still accept me. I realised, that day when I ran away, I have no social safety net. My net is weimin. And it has broke. I have no one else to turn to. Whether for practical help or emotional or financial. I have no one to turn to. How pathetic.
I don't know why I ran away. I guess i wanted to escape from the hurting feelings. I was ashamed. I know I am no longer trusted as a family member. I cannot stay. I want to go home to see my mom. I wanted to find my refuge. I admit it was rash of me...but it has been done...There's no turning back...
Sunday - church, sunday school, shopping
My back aches very much from saturday's moving. I hauled heavy stuff. My body had tremendous strength since I am so tense from all the happenings. I haven't eaten well since tue. I am now 39kg. I tried to fast on friday but I thought I would faint. So i drank some soup. I was so hungry I scalded my tongue.
Went to john's church for service and sunday school. It went okay. But my back aches, I cannot bear to sit anymore. I went to find some cupboards at greatworld. It wasn't too good. Didn't buy. Adeline suggests i go to seahorse at compass pt. Jasmine and I found a 3 door cupboard at $199. We promised to share.
About dinner time, weimin and I exchanged several msg. I teared and felt very sorrowful. But God helped me and comforted me. I have Jasmine with me. I think Weimin is the one that is suffering. He suffers more than me. He asked why I run away, and why i'm in such need to move my things out. Is it because I just to get on with my life? Or need them so much? I don't need them, but I have to consider my roomie. I told her I would get the basket, the mirror and stuff for her but I can't. I just couldn't carry anymore. Guess we should just buy it. I think perhaps I shouldn't ask anymore to take things from his home.
I have jasmine, so life is a bit more bearable. Yes I do want to live. I want to live because God has redeemed me for a price. John reminded me this. My life belongs to God. I should live it, and live it well, for His sake. For His name's sake and no one else. Just such divine appointment we discussed about 1 Pet. It gives me comfort.
God will work for the good of those who love Him. Even if the surroundings and situations are harsh to me, I can live on. Because I know I have God. He is all I need. His grace is sufficient for me. I felt so much better after the confession on saturday. John is right. How wonderful to have Godly friends. They give me Godly advice and gives me comfort. They show me God's love. Thank You, Lord. I want to start over again
Friday, April 13, 2007
Will He, Will He Not
This morning I ordered a bouquet of flowers for weimin to his workplace. I don't know if he will receive it. The message I left, was "You are Special to Me. I love You, and You alone. " I don't know if he will be happy, or suprised and glad. Or will he be angry, upset...For embarassing him? Perhaps it will send it to the dustbin. I don't know...but I have to try...At least, I try.
Cast your burden on the Lord... Psalm 55.22
My body, my soul and my heart is heavily burdened...I sinned against God and against the one whom i love. I failed to guard my own heart. It is so heavy and unbearable...I felt I couldn't even lift myself, nor have any strength at all.
I spoke to John the night before yesterday. His words gave me hope. Some hope was planted in my heart. Perhaps, there is still chance for me, and for weimin and I. Thank God for godly men, may God raise more servants for Himself and His kingdom's sake. He did not condemn me or scold me. It is such wonderful feeling knowing that I need not hide...Wonderful to know that, I have hope. If David had committed the sin of murder and adultery, and with an earnest heart he asked God for forgiveness and God showed him mercy, what more I...If i could also be as earnest as he is. Lord help me.
John gave me some advice, and told me to do the following
1) Confess and ask for forgiveness from God
2) Confess and ask for forgiveness from weimin, in person. As soon as i can.
3) Do not do it again
And so, I cried out to God...I wept and mourn for my grevious sins. I confessed and ask for forgiveness, to whom which my life belongs - my redeemer, my Lord, Jesus Christ, my saviour. I belong not to my own, but to Him. I did so - in the toilet, my place of refuge at work.
Psalm 130
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
2 O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.
Suddenly...I felt my burden is lifted. My yoke is not so heavy anymore. God is merciful and gracious, He will forgive me. If anyone is in Christ, there is no condemnation. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. (jn 3:17)
So I will fast and pray, until Saturday when I see weimin. I shall put on sackclothe and mourn. I will cleanse myself and sin no more. I will start life anew and fresh. I will change...I pray that weimin will forgive me, even if he does not want to love me or be with me anymore. My mind is clear. I will follow God, whereever He brings me to. Whether married or unmarried, I life my life worthy as a child of God. For I was redeemed by Him. I belong to Him. I will find rest in His arms.
I spoke to John the night before yesterday. His words gave me hope. Some hope was planted in my heart. Perhaps, there is still chance for me, and for weimin and I. Thank God for godly men, may God raise more servants for Himself and His kingdom's sake. He did not condemn me or scold me. It is such wonderful feeling knowing that I need not hide...Wonderful to know that, I have hope. If David had committed the sin of murder and adultery, and with an earnest heart he asked God for forgiveness and God showed him mercy, what more I...If i could also be as earnest as he is. Lord help me.
John gave me some advice, and told me to do the following
1) Confess and ask for forgiveness from God
2) Confess and ask for forgiveness from weimin, in person. As soon as i can.
3) Do not do it again
And so, I cried out to God...I wept and mourn for my grevious sins. I confessed and ask for forgiveness, to whom which my life belongs - my redeemer, my Lord, Jesus Christ, my saviour. I belong not to my own, but to Him. I did so - in the toilet, my place of refuge at work.
Psalm 130
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
2 O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.
Suddenly...I felt my burden is lifted. My yoke is not so heavy anymore. God is merciful and gracious, He will forgive me. If anyone is in Christ, there is no condemnation. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. (jn 3:17)
So I will fast and pray, until Saturday when I see weimin. I shall put on sackclothe and mourn. I will cleanse myself and sin no more. I will start life anew and fresh. I will change...I pray that weimin will forgive me, even if he does not want to love me or be with me anymore. My mind is clear. I will follow God, whereever He brings me to. Whether married or unmarried, I life my life worthy as a child of God. For I was redeemed by Him. I belong to Him. I will find rest in His arms.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Living Dead
I have made great mistakes...I have made wrong decisions...None as devastating as this. I feel as if i live in hell...wandering, wandering...and yet i find nothing...no peace, no rest, in my heart or in my soul. I am as good as dead...but I cannot die...for I will be escaping, and yet find no solutions, only more hatred towards me because i left a pile of mess to the others...I am afraid if i kill myself I will really be going to hell. I ask God to forgive me, I know He will, but I cannot forgive myself, neither can weimin forgive me. I don't know what i was doing, i don't know why i did so...Yet I hide, I tried to pretend that nothing has happened...I deserve only the worst, i cannot be loved, i cannot be trusted, i cannot be forgiven...All my messages were not returned favourably...I felt that all is lost, all is gone, there is nothing for me anymore. I cannot feel anymore...i am a living dead. I am dead...Dead in my spirit, dead in my soul, dead in my life. There is no more hope...no more love...no more forgiveness...because i was worse than a murderer...an adulteror...here's what God says about me:
1But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them. 2 Tim 3
I am all of it. I am all of what it was said...I will be lonely, forever...and ever....
Since they didn't bother to acknowledge God, God quit bothering them and let them run loose. And then all hell broke loose: rampant evil, grabbing and grasping, vicious backstabbing. They made life hell on earth with their envy, wanton killing, bickering, and cheating. Look at them: mean-spirited, venomous, fork-tongued God-bashers. Bullies, swaggerers, insufferable windbags! They keep inventing new ways of wrecking lives. They ditch their parents when they get in the way. Stupid, slimy, cruel, cold-blooded. And it's not as if they don't know better. They know perfectly well they're spitting in God's face. And they don't care—worse, they hand out prizes to those who do the worst things best! ------------ Romans 1:28
I wreck my own live...God has given me up...already quit bothering me.....................
You're not getting by with anything. Every refusal and avoidance of God adds fuel to the fire. The day is coming when it's going to blaze hot and high, God's fiery and righteous judgment. Make no mistake: In the end you get what's coming to you—Real Life for those who work on God's side, but to those who insist on getting their own way and take the path of least resistance, Fire! ------------- Romans 2:5
Fire will be on me..........I will be consumed................but i will not be finished....i will suffer for eternity.........for eternity.......................
Don't you realize that this is not the way to live? Unjust people who don't care about God will not be joining in his kingdom. Those who use and abuse each other, use and abuse sex, use and abuse the earth and everything in it, don't qualify as citizens in God's kingdom. A number of you know from experience what I'm talking about, for not so long ago you were on that list. Since then, you've been cleaned up and given a fresh start by Jesus, our Master, our Messiah, and by our God present in us, the Spirit. -----------------1 Cor 6:9
I don't qualify, so I will be going the opposite direction.........haaaaaaaaaaaaaa..................
Lord, do i have a hope, i feel no hope for me....i live as though as dead. I can't bear to live on anymore. God, if u still remember me...will u have mercy on me? If i die one day, will u remember me? God, i feel sorry, I feel regret, but i do not deserve...I have turned away even when i have known u..Why? I can't explain, I can't.... I feel like a complete loser, a complete failure.......i hate myself God, are you hating me too?
My tears will not stop, my heart is faint...i'm totally lost...Even my bones cry out... All is gone, all is finished, nothing... nothing is left for me. I am living, but i am dead. A living dead.
1But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them. 2 Tim 3
I am all of it. I am all of what it was said...I will be lonely, forever...and ever....
Since they didn't bother to acknowledge God, God quit bothering them and let them run loose. And then all hell broke loose: rampant evil, grabbing and grasping, vicious backstabbing. They made life hell on earth with their envy, wanton killing, bickering, and cheating. Look at them: mean-spirited, venomous, fork-tongued God-bashers. Bullies, swaggerers, insufferable windbags! They keep inventing new ways of wrecking lives. They ditch their parents when they get in the way. Stupid, slimy, cruel, cold-blooded. And it's not as if they don't know better. They know perfectly well they're spitting in God's face. And they don't care—worse, they hand out prizes to those who do the worst things best! ------------ Romans 1:28
I wreck my own live...God has given me up...already quit bothering me.....................
You're not getting by with anything. Every refusal and avoidance of God adds fuel to the fire. The day is coming when it's going to blaze hot and high, God's fiery and righteous judgment. Make no mistake: In the end you get what's coming to you—Real Life for those who work on God's side, but to those who insist on getting their own way and take the path of least resistance, Fire! ------------- Romans 2:5
Fire will be on me..........I will be consumed................but i will not be finished....i will suffer for eternity.........for eternity.......................
Don't you realize that this is not the way to live? Unjust people who don't care about God will not be joining in his kingdom. Those who use and abuse each other, use and abuse sex, use and abuse the earth and everything in it, don't qualify as citizens in God's kingdom. A number of you know from experience what I'm talking about, for not so long ago you were on that list. Since then, you've been cleaned up and given a fresh start by Jesus, our Master, our Messiah, and by our God present in us, the Spirit. -----------------1 Cor 6:9
I don't qualify, so I will be going the opposite direction.........haaaaaaaaaaaaaa..................
Lord, do i have a hope, i feel no hope for me....i live as though as dead. I can't bear to live on anymore. God, if u still remember me...will u have mercy on me? If i die one day, will u remember me? God, i feel sorry, I feel regret, but i do not deserve...I have turned away even when i have known u..Why? I can't explain, I can't.... I feel like a complete loser, a complete failure.......i hate myself God, are you hating me too?
My tears will not stop, my heart is faint...i'm totally lost...Even my bones cry out... All is gone, all is finished, nothing... nothing is left for me. I am living, but i am dead. A living dead.
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