The Wise and Foolish Builders

Matthew 7:24-27

24"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.

26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

I am the foolish man who built his house on the sand. It fell in a crash in 1 month. 2 weeks, to be exact.

I met Weimin yesterday for dinner. I'm suprised he agreed to have dinner with me, and afterward we took a walk/sit in the Pasir Ris Town Park. He told me about how he used to enjoy fishing during his army days.

We later spoke about more sensitive things. He said he is still angry with me. Means he has not forgiven me. He said he is angry with me mainly, for running away. And running away because I am going to work. He said it pissed him off greatly. I cared more about my job, my career, than our relationship. To him, work gives me more satisfaction. And I felt more duty and responsibility towards my job than towards him. He asked what is my priority in life? I said, God, Us, Work, Parents, Brothers, Friends. He said that we have different values. Work to him is fourth or fifth.

Throughout the conversation, I felt rather condemned. But less so than the other day he confronted me. Yes I am guilty, I am conscience-striken, I am unfaithful, hideous, irresponsible, selfish...I am all that characterizes a harlot. I am all that characterizes an unrighteous, sinful and damned person. I am interrogated and questioned about my actions...

I admit I have been wrong. I was at fault and I let him down. I do not deserve any forgiveness nor chance. But I guess, we will not make up with him having such attitude towards me. I will never be good enough. I will not have a place anymore in his heart as a wife. I will be shut out, I will be excluded, ousted and like a fugitive. I am not a wife. I am a suspect.

I cannot explain my behavior, actions and thoughts. They are not rational. They are rash, foolish and incoherent. I acted out of confusion, guilt. My actions are bizarre and self-contradicting.

I am not expecting anything. I am not hoping. My heart is cold. Although I still feel very much for him. I guess, my attitude is rather synical towards relationships. Anyway, despite all these, I never ever intended to take any of his money he trusted me on. Never ever intended or even tried, to take advantage of his generosity to me. Of this, I am sure.

Well, everyone tells me now it has to be me "wooing" him. Yes I should. I don't really know how. And I feel rather mixed and struggle in my heart. He said he'd want to be with me only if i know what is the real meaning of love and marriage and if I forgive. I guess I will never learn it. Perhaps sometimes I can, but all the time I will have to struggle about it.

I will never never be good enough for him. I will not be the pious and religious girl he thought he wanted to marry. I may try. In fact, I do try very hard. But it may not be me. I am mixed. Thinking of these, i feel like giving up. What is love. How do I love? How can i learn it or know it? He will always think I fail his criteria. I don't measure up. Thus it kills my motivation to please him...Will he be happy? What can I do? He doesn't want flowers. I suppose he threw it away. What abt the card I made for him, did he cherish it or like it? Perhaps he cannot remember where it is put. Should I buy a ring to propose to him to show my sincerity? He thinks it is a laughable thing. Can I give all my money to him? Will he even care? Can I date him, buy him presents, or quit my job since he felt I have the wrong priorities? What can I do to show that I truly love him and am committed to him?

I felt cold, when I think that perhaps, none will be reciprocated or appreciated. It is only foolishness on my part. Just like when I stayed up late to wait for someone, who never bothers to buy credit to go online to speak to me. Or felt money is so important he didn't want to spend money to call me. God help me on this. ..