"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. Jn 10:10

God gives me an abundant life. I need to trust Him for that.

We went for counselling together on saturday 21 Apr. We treshed out some issues like confiding in opposite sex, my need for leadership and all that. He still felt that I have no excuses. There is no point to say who's right who's wrong. I am wrong in what I have done, given the circumstances. I made wrong decisions and I behaved in a abhorrent manner.

We went for lunch and a movie after the counselling session. On the bus, Weimin told me that everything is called off, until 5 weeks later. But he wants to hold my hand. I don't know what to think. I missed the feeling of intimacy. But I don't want to feel that way, because feelings are false.

When I met him yesterday, he is still very suspicious of me. He needs to verify things with May. I'm not quite sure how to feel. Yet he kissed me and touched me. I'm very confused. I told all these to May.

I also told her that after that day i've chatted, we had slept together. That was why he was upset. He was angry, that i am unfaithful. I know that I have done him wrong. He was angry, that the way i requested money from him is an insult to him. He was angry, i ran away to work. He was angry, as I have said I wanted to marry and yet maintain my affair with the guy.

Sometimes, he'd say things that seem to be spiting me or what. When I sulked, he would say sorry. Suddenly, he seemed so loving. Then after a while, suddenly, he seems so stern towards me. Almost like punishing me and wanting to torment me by hiding his plans from me. A revenge? To get back at me? To punish me? To make sure I learn my lesson? I don't know. He makes me so nervous as well.

My heart is so mixed up. At the end of yesterday, he said, take the 5 weeks as a time to go back to God. But before that, he wasn't so kind. I'm not quite sure what he wants, what he's planning, and it is almost driving me mad.

In my heart, i'm preparing myself, to be ditched. Perhaps, i will need to learn to ignore what the others will think of me. But still, every time I think about it, how I will face the others, it makes me very tense. That, of course, I couldn't care much. At most, I shall be thick-skinned, unless the church will kick me out. But then, the main thing that really makes me feel very tormented, is that he is going to leave me, just like that...Yes, perhaps I have done a horrible sin, I have done a horrible wrong towards him. But he will forgive me, and then ditch me, because I am no longer trustable. I can no longer be his wife. Whatever happened, to the times, he said, i am already his wife, and he took my body? Not that I can care, but it hurts me deeply. So it means that when he wants me, he said I'm his wife. And when I'm wrong, he is no longer bound and he can "divorce" me?

He said, he wants to tell the counsellor everything. I said it is ok, if it will help him clear himself up. If it will help him to overcome and let go. But there is also another serious implication. The counsellor, may have to inform the church or pastor. And it may lead to being denied, or kicked out by the church. I'm not sure if it will happen. But fornication, is a serious sin. It is not to be condoned, as what the bible says.

Not that I care very much either, about how I will be percieved by others...At most, i have to become thick-skinned...But, I wonder if he forgot, how I went through the times, when I am afraid I'd be pregnant...Has anyone been any comfort to me? Yes, of course it is a relief that i'm not, but when I do get pregnant, I know, that he is not obliged to take responsibility. But what will happen to me? I am going to face all such things alone. How empty, how lonely, how depressed was I during that time. I had to buy a kit, but i was afraid... How cold and harsh it seems to me, if ever such will happen. He can say that he will take responsibility. But who knows.

Indeed, as May has said..He wants it, that's why he can say that it is not the wedding day, and that he already regarded me as his wife. But now I have done something wrong. His "regard" is missing now. Anyway, for the baby, being pressured, he will take responsibility. But for life, he will probably hate me or blame me for shaming him.

I have learnt the hard way, the even the best intending guy, who initially really really wanted to love me the best he can, would succumb to pressure, and act another way as he has promised. No man can be trusted, because all man are weak. Not that he does not want to, but he is not able to. Anyone can promise, and give me much hope. But when reality sets in, it may not be this way anymore.

Who can I trust then? My maker, who has also redeemed me with His only beloved Son's life. Have I got abundant life? i'm not sure. So far, it has been interesting, heart-wrenching, full of ups and downs... I really have a long way to go for having the abundant life, that God has promised me. God I trust you, I will face all the consequences, with your help. Although I tell others that I can be okay without him, but there are times, like just now, whether I can pull through. But seemed to be getting by, at times, feeling strong, yet at times, i feel so weak and desperate... My mind has to keep on reminding my heart, that I am okay. I can say that confidently to May and Jasmine. I am okay, without weimin. Perhaps, i will have more difficulties. Perhaps, I will feel more helpless, but I will get by, I will just take a bit more effort, a bit more sufferring, a much longer time. But I will get by.

Jasmine asks me not to be too strong. Guys doesn't like that. But i am not sure if i really am strong, or is it because I am left with no other choice. Even Weimin says i'm very resilient. I can move on quickly. Perhaps I appear to be able to. But only God knows, the sufferings and the struggles in my heart.