A New Beginning

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature, the old things has passed away, behold, the new thing has come." 2 Cor 5:17

Over the weekend, several things were accomplished. I've generally felt better about everything but I know I still need to work on myself.

Friday - Change Hairstyle

I had went to perm my hair. A change, a new start.

Saturday - Confessions/Move Hse

After work I met weimin at pasir ris town park about 1pm. I confessed and I asked for forgiveness. He has not much reactions or whatever. All he said was why he had chosen me at first even if i had failed his criteria. It is because God told him so. Did he hear wrongly (as I have, too?) Or is it really that God told him so? If so, why does such thing happen? And of all people, I was the one who sinned and hurt another?

I went to his place after that and tried to move as much things as I can. I felt I cannot bear to stay a moment longer, neither do I want to bother him too many times. I know I cannot move all at once. I threw away many things, things I won't really need. My baby doll dresses, that I bought so that I can wear if ever I be pregnant. I don't need them anymore. My sheer night dresses, I don't need them anymore. Pretty clothes and dresses, if too revealing, I don't need them anymore. My heart aches, I am actually very sorry and ashamed. I don't expect anyone to forgive me. Not his mom, not him. Halfway I got a bit emotional. I don't know why such reactions on my part. But I know I cannot stay at his home anymore. Not that my mother allows it. It is right for me to move out. It hurts everyone. The actions and the attitude towards me being in the house is unbearable. How can I ever be ok to stay? I have betrayed his trust, and his mom's. I won't be able to stay in it. It is not my home. Even if he said it is. It has never been truly my home. My home depends on his attitude and trust and love towards me. Now I have none, thus i lost it. And I have to leave. I can't stay. It don't belong to me.

I don't want to owe him anything. I know, especially he is senstive about money. I will not owe him anything. I promise to return all. This is all I can do. I am sorry. I don't want him to help, because I deserve to suffer for my mistakes. I don't want him to pity me. I am alright on my own, whether or not I have him. I have God, and His grace is sufficient for me. I don't know how I had the strength, but I did. I don't know how I could go through, but I did. I don't know how I overcome, but I did. I don't know how I could have survived, but God has prepared a place for me to rest my exhausted body, a room mate so understanding and supportive. It must have been His grace for me.

Even in times like this...I don't know why he is still so kind to me. He was nice...I felt worse. I couldn't bear it. I especially don't want him to pity me. I don't want to appear needy or helpless or pitiful. But he said I shouldn't disgrace him with such words. But I really don't mean to disgrace him. I mean it in my heart that I don't want any pity or sympathy. I can manage my own, I will. Maybe the hip pain came back because of this. But I couldn't care anymore.

At night, May came over to keep me company. Sally comforted me with her sms. I appreciate all the friendship and support. But I have only myself to blame. It is good. I do have some friends. I do have people who'd still accept me. I realised, that day when I ran away, I have no social safety net. My net is weimin. And it broke. I have no one else to turn to. Whether for practical help or emotional or financial. I have no one to turn to besides God. How pathetic. How desperate!

I don't know why I ran away. I guess i wanted to escape from the hurting feelings. I was ashamed. I know I am no longer trusted as a family member. I cannot stay. I want to go home to see my mom. I wanted to find my refuge. I admit it was rash of me...but it has been done...There's no turning back...

Sunday - church, sunday school, shopping

My back aches very much from saturday's moving. I hauled heavy stuff. My body had tremendous strength since I am so tense from all the happenings. I haven't eaten well since tue. I am now 39kg. I tried to fast on friday but I thought I would faint. So i drank some soup. I was so hungry I scalded my tongue.

Went to john's church for service and sunday school. It went okay. But my back aches, I cannot bear to sit anymore. I went to find some cupboards at greatworld. It wasn't too good. Didn't buy. Adeline suggests i go to seahorse at compass pt. Jasmine and I found a 3 door cupboard at $199. We promised to share. Jasmine needs me as well. God sent me to her. We can help each other out.

About dinner time, weimin and I exchanged several msg. I teared and felt very sorrowful. But God helped me and comforted me. I have Jasmine with me. I think Weimin is the one that is suffering. He suffers more than me. He asked why I run away, and why i'm in such need to move my things out. Is it because I just to get on with my life? Or need them so much? I don't need them, but I have to consider my roomie. I told her I would get the basket, the mirror and stuff for her but I can't. I just couldn't carry anymore. Guess we should just buy it. I think perhaps I shouldn't ask anymore to take things from his home.

I have jasmine, so life is a bit more bearable. Yes I do want to live. I want to live because God has redeemed me for a price. John reminded me this. My life belongs to God. I should live it, and live it well, for His sake. For His name's sake and no one else. Just such divine appointment we discussed about 1 Pet. It gives me comfort.

God will work for the good of those who love Him. Even if the surroundings and situations are harsh to me, I can live on. Because I know I have God. He is all I need. His grace is sufficient for me. I felt so much better after the confession on saturday. John is right. How wonderful to have Godly friends. They give me Godly advice and gives me comfort. They show me God's love. Thank You, Lord. I want to start over again.