Living Dead

I have made great mistakes...I have made wrong decisions...None as devastating as this. I feel as if i live in hell...wandering, wandering...and yet i find nothing...no peace, no rest, in my heart or in my soul. I am as good as dead...but I cannot die...for I will be escaping, and yet find no solutions, only more hatred towards me because i left a pile of mess to the others...I am afraid if i kill myself I will really be going to hell. I ask God to forgive me, I know He will, but I cannot forgive myself, neither can weimin forgive me. I don't know what i was doing, i don't know why i did so...Yet I hide, I tried to pretend that nothing has happened...I deserve only the worst, i cannot be loved, i cannot be trusted, i cannot be forgiven...All my messages were not returned favourably...I felt that all is lost, all is gone, there is nothing for me anymore. I cannot feel anymore...i am a living dead. I am dead...Dead in my spirit, dead in my soul, dead in my life. There is no more hope...no more love...no more forgiveness...because i was worse than a murderer...an adulteror...here's what God says about me:

1But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them. 2 Tim 3

I am all of it. I am all of what it was said...I will be lonely, forever...and ever....

Since they didn't bother to acknowledge God, God quit bothering them and let them run loose. And then all hell broke loose: rampant evil, grabbing and grasping, vicious backstabbing. They made life hell on earth with their envy, wanton killing, bickering, and cheating. Look at them: mean-spirited, venomous, fork-tongued God-bashers. Bullies, swaggerers, insufferable windbags! They keep inventing new ways of wrecking lives. They ditch their parents when they get in the way. Stupid, slimy, cruel, cold-blooded. And it's not as if they don't know better. They know perfectly well they're spitting in God's face. And they don't care—worse, they hand out prizes to those who do the worst things best! ------------ Romans 1:28

I wreck my own live...God has given me up...already quit bothering me.....................

You're not getting by with anything. Every refusal and avoidance of God adds fuel to the fire. The day is coming when it's going to blaze hot and high, God's fiery and righteous judgment. Make no mistake: In the end you get what's coming to you—Real Life for those who work on God's side, but to those who insist on getting their own way and take the path of least resistance, Fire! ------------- Romans 2:5

Fire will be on me..........I will be consumed................but i will not be finished....i will suffer for eternity.........for eternity.......................

Don't you realize that this is not the way to live? Unjust people who don't care about God will not be joining in his kingdom. Those who use and abuse each other, use and abuse sex, use and abuse the earth and everything in it, don't qualify as citizens in God's kingdom. A number of you know from experience what I'm talking about, for not so long ago you were on that list. Since then, you've been cleaned up and given a fresh start by Jesus, our Master, our Messiah, and by our God present in us, the Spirit. -----------------1 Cor 6:9

I don't qualify, so I will be going the opposite direction.........haaaaaaaaaaaaaa..................


Lord, do i have a hope, i feel no hope for me....i live as though as dead. I can't bear to live on anymore. God, if u still remember me...will u have mercy on me? If i die one day, will u remember me? God, i feel sorry, I feel regret, but i do not deserve...I have turned away even when i have known u..Why? I can't explain, I can't.... I feel like a complete loser, a complete failure.......i hate myself God, are you hating me too?

My tears will not stop, my heart is faint...i'm totally lost...Even my bones cry out... All is gone, all is finished, nothing... nothing is left for me. I am living, but i am dead. A living dead.